im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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