Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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