oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
