I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
