Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
