he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
nutella sex= disaster
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
