My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
