"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
