The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
