You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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