I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
