Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Let's get the cat blown out
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
