like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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