Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
