I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
