Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
