y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
