I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
