My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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