After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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