I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
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the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
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While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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