omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
