you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
