She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
