either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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