I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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