why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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