i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
