i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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