I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
