Your dad touched me again.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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