im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
