Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize