so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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