dude i'm inner monologue high
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
