all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.