she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
