i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
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