My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
