If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
