Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she peed on how many people?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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