i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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