bring money and cleavage
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
