Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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