she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
