Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize