He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
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What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
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Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.