I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.