Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.