i already hear my dad disowning me
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
