i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
