Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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