According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Vodka?
Forever.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
