my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I love having hate sex.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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