my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
