Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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