It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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