i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Found the puke drawer
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
His nipple licking is glorious
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