Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
